I feel like I have been living on another planet for the past month. You know how when everything in your world is going well, I mean, everything is working as you hoped, and you take a look around and realize that all of the puzzle pieces are fitting together perfectly? You have that moment of total awareness of pure happiness… and then it’s gone. As fast as you realized it was there, it disappears just as quickly, leaving a strange wondering behind, because wasn’t everything fantastic just a minute ago? But that’s how life is, and you wouldn’t appreciate those moments of pure happiness, or maybe you wouldn’t even be aware of them, if sometimes things didn’t just completely fall to shit.
This post is long overdue. The post that I had originally hoped to have up next was Part 2 of The Big Bad, but I’ve re-written it six times now, and still don’t feel like it’s ready. There are just too many emotions involved, and finding the right words has escaped me thus far. I had intended to have it up a couple of days after the first part, but then life just got in the way. It seemed simple enough, I had already begun to tell the story, but I had underestimated how difficult it would be to finish, to tell it properly. So, thanks to the very wise words of my sister to “just write,” I am moving on to something else for the time being, and will continue that story soon. In the interest of my sanity, and moving forward, I am just writing…
The past few weeks have been complete chaos. My boyfriend was in the hospital for almost two weeks fighting off an infection. He’s home now and will be fine, but it was scary, and emotional, and something I had never experienced before. All of the time spent in the hospital, and dealing with all of the aspects of his situation, while trying to keep the rest of my life-balls up in the air was exhausting, and something I didn’t know how I would be able to do without everything completely falling apart. But you just do it . You just keep moving forward, take care of everything that you can, and it will all work itself out, hopefully without too many bumps and bruises along the way.
There were a few days there that I was definitely in zombie mode. I was thankful for the immense amount of work I had to get done in the office, it was a good distraction and helped me to maintain a sense of reality when everything outside of work was, well… a lot. The rest of my days were spent trying to be positive and strong for my guy in the hospital bed, and for my kid, who I am certain is trying to see how much gray hair he can force to grow on my head before he’s done with high school. But we’re getting back to normal now, well normal is subjective I suppose, but we are moving forward. And also as life goes, we will be stronger and better after all of this, because of it, as with any challenging situation.
So once again, my writing has been put on the back burner. My motivation has been lacking, mostly due to sheer exhaustion from juggling the life-balls, but also because I’ve just been blocked. Not for lack of subject matter of course, my son has provided me with plenty to write about over the past month, so I’m set for a while on that. It’s the other things that get in the way when I’m alone… being uninspired, depressed, scared, overwhelmed, sad, anxious, and all around kind of blah. As all of these added elements make my creativity run and hide, and juggling the life-balls successfully, significantly harder, I have done my best to put them in a box to deal with bit by bit, when the opportunities arise, and as needed. Because there just isn’t any time for that, there isn’t any room for it when you NEED to be the strong one.
And then I realize… I’ve always been the strong one. How do I keep forgetting that? After EVERYTHING I’ve been through in my life, how can I possibly forget this simple fact? I’m NEVER going to have that nervous breakdown I always swear is right around the corner. It’s just not going to happen, I AM too strong for that.
But for such a strong girl, I sure do cry a lot…