The greatest thing about the New Year is the opportunity for a fresh start, a clean slate, new beginnings. This is something I generally really appreciate, but this year more than ever, I am seriously embracing it. Last year was chock full of love and happiness, sadness and heartbreak, fear like I have never known before, excitement and joy, pain and confusion, hope and healing. It was beautiful, and exhausting.
Now is the time for letting go.
I haven’t been able to write anything for this blog for a while now. I got stuck on something, a thing I couldn’t completely put into words, at least not for the whole world to see. Well, not just yet anyway. A thought from the past, a feeling which came from decisions made long ago, has been haunting me. It breaks my heart, it makes me cry in my sleep, it takes my voice away, though I wouldn’t say the words even if I could. I say I have no regrets, but sometimes I wonder if I’m strong enough to survive the repercussions of my actions. I couldn’t have done things differently, I couldn’t have made other decisions, and that’s why there are no second thoughts. But the fact that it couldn’t have been any other way still does not take the pain away, and I sometimes wonder if I will ever really get past it. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really just being punished.
I do have a place for these thoughts, where I can lock them away until they are ready to be released. I’m working on a novel, a memoir really, and that’s where I write all of my secret truths. So that’s where all of my words have gone recently, because they are just too much to share with anyone right now.
And so, I get up every day, and I take care of everything else in my life, I get it all done, and I go on. I remind myself every morning how strong I am, how far I’ve come, and then I pray for a little more strength, just enough to get me through the day. It seems this prayer is actually answered on a daily basis, so for all you heathens out there, don’t make fun, faith comes in a million different forms, and I know MY God will never give me more than I can handle. I am not a religious person by any means, but my spirituality is unquestionable. I have faith in love, and in all that is good in this world. I have faith in the fact that the energy we put out there is what we will get back in return, good or bad. I have faith in the kindness of strangers, and in what we can learn from the innocence of our children. And I have faith in myself, because I know that I am strong enough.
And so this is my new beginning. This is my letting go. All of the words I couldn’t say have been put away, written somewhere else, releasing me to focus on the present, to embrace my life and to share my stories. I have so much to be thankful for, so much love and light in my life, and I do have a story or two to tell, so now I’m going to get back to it…